I am in here.

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Andrew made a little cry of dismay as he was picking up his pile of things to shove in his pockets so he could leave for work.

“Somehow in my change I’ve been given a pound coin with a phone number for gay chat on it!” he said.

“What?” It’s too early for me to be able to parse things like this.

He handed it to me. Sure enough there’s a yellow sticker, just the size of a pound coin, neatly stuck to one side of it. “Huh,” I said. The world is full of strange and amazing things.

Since he’d wandered off to continue what he’d been doing as soon as he gave me the coin in question, I said, “Does this mean you don’t want it back?”

“Yeah!”

“So you’re giving it to me?”

“Yeah!”

Figures.

I’ll try not to spend it all in one place.

“I love seeing with lines are resonating with people,” says a comment from one of the shirt’s creators.

i know mine.

Christmas.

I imagine there’s a normal progression from the giddy excitement of Christmas when you can count your age on your fingers* to the point where you feel grown up because you helped make the pies and were trusted with drying the good china after your mom washed it, to the point where you’re expected to buy presents for people you don’t like because you know they’re buying you things you don’t like.

But the normal progression gets kind of stalled when your brother dies just before you turn 24 and you move away just after. Now Christmas is fraught with landmines just under the surface of everything said and done, the joy of nostalgic itches that are scratched by everything being just the same as it always is; I can recite the food on the dinner table, the particular cheap wine, the candy and the plates it’ll be on, the sorts of clothes we’ll wear and the conversations we’ll have.

And yet however loud my aunt and cousins are, they are all but drowned out of the heavy silence of my brother not being there. On this day where everybody should be where they belong, you can’t fool yourself that he’s just somewhere else, at work or with his friends, as I do most of the rest of the year -- a fraud so easy my subconscious pulls it off without me noticing, most of the time.

But not at Christmas.

Like everyone else, the best I can do is enjoy what I have, when I can, but...

My other favorite comment there is the guy who says I keep adding to it in my head: “chocolate cake” “growing up” “Veteran’s Day with a WW2 vet at home eager to tell his hair-raising tales while a brother is in Afghanistan”.

I’d add...

Airports.

Old hymns.

Being the first one to roll over and go to sleep.

Laundromats.

Babies.

It is complicated.



* I don’t know if I have ever been as happy as I was the year there was a box under the tree that seemed as big as I was, and it had my name on it. No afternoon nap was taken that year! I tried my best but I couldn’t lay still for anything. When you’re that age size does matter, and I believed that I must have been very good indeed that year.

The contents of the box ended up being pretty great -- a dollhouse my grandpa had made for me, with little people and little furniture they’d bought and little rugs my grandma had crocheted -- but nowhere near as great as the anticipation, the impossibility of imagining what could be in that box.

Anyway, though I remember marvelling at the tiny faucets on the tiny sink, and envying the tiny people their patio furniture, but I was never really a doll person.

I had 34 days of sobriety, then relapsed, now i have 16 days. i just went through the 4th and 5th step with my sponsor and my back-to-basics partner this weekend, and heres the deal.

i left two things out. both big, both things that nobody besides me even knows about. one of them i completely forgot about until we were done, but the other one i purposely withheld. i truly and honestly believe that i will not get completely better unless i get these things out of me, but the idea of having to admit to them - let alone make amends for them - scares the hell out of me. a part of me would rather either die drunk or kill myself than have to talk about it. as much as they want to be nonjudgmental, they would look at me differently. there would be no way they could trust me - although, come to think of it, why should they? its not like sobriety turns you into a different person.

do i have to talk to my sponsor or someone in AA about it? if i seek psychological counseling and was honest there, would that be enough? if i tried to make amends, it would hurt all of the people involved more than anything. does that mean it would "directly injure them"? it would also possibly leave me friend-less. im not sure about all this stuff.

"...constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average."

im lost.

Just went to the Portland Symphonic Choir: The Brahms Requiem then ran into Scott McCloud at my local bar. Weird.



these are photos scott and I took of each other across Ivan Brunetti back in 1994 (or so).

After an experience this weekend with half a bottle of rum, I am definitely going to this meeting.

Hello, I'm In Denial. How are you? Pleased to meet you, Self Actualisation!

Curious, though... There seems to be a lot of AA hate out there. I mean, serious hate.

What's the deal with that?

Tonight at midnight on Adult Swim. Beware.

I'm narrowing down potential titles for my ACT-I-VATE gag strip. My favorite is Gag Reflex despite the obvious drawbacks. I want to stay away from the idea that it's a 'rejected' cartoon - not because that bothers me but because It's a cartoon that is about something. Putting the focus on what the fact that it didn't run in the New Yorker doesn't really represent the content of the cartoon. It also needs to be memorable and easy to say. I like the alliteration of Ipecac Comics and the weird pun of Nihilarity. Horse Latitudes might be too obscure and make people think it's a cartoon about horses. I don't know. Easy to over think this but at the same time it's a title that I'll have to live with for, at least, a couple years, and maybe longer.

Poll #1485882
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 77

what's a good gag cartoon strip title?

I sold another cartoon to the New Yorker last week. It's been a pretty steady stream of sales. It makes me really happy. I'm lucky and privileged.

I'm about a fortnight away from having 23 sober months. I had initially felt such gratitude to escape drinking and everything that went along with it - always feeling like shit about myself, never having any money for anything other than booze, the impossibly low self esteem that went along with non stop destructive behaviour. At first, I struggled with AA. I was very uncomfortable admitting that I was 'powerless' relating to any aspect of my life, and took staying sober to be my responsibility. I took ownership of my drinking, and didn't give anything to my HP which I didn't know I believed in and certainly wasn't in a fit state to examine my personal theology. I was barely conscious most of the time!

Recently I've stopped feeling that same urgency I had in the beginning. I feel like I don't care if I stay sober or not because I feel like I'm the only one that gives a shit either way. I bet no one would even know, I had my drinking down to such a fine art, I was highly functional, I bet I could get away with it... I know these are negative thoughts... but I'm not sure I care any more. I had such a difficult day yesterday, I felt so angry about nothing really. Nothing I could really pin down as a solid reason. I guess that's just how we as alcoholics react sometimes. I was alone for much of the day and obsessing; you guys know what I mean, really jonesing for that buzz. I didn't drink but where I would normally feel relief that I dodged a bullet, and gratitude for another sober day, I feel nothing. So what? Now I want to drink again, so what's the point?

Can anyone empathise?

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Sorry to everyone for my last posts... I think I am just creating problems where they don't exist. My drinking isn't that big of a deal.

Sad, but true: An indie bookseller's job is...



Glenn Beck: Cry-baby, conspiracy theorist...and thriller fic's #1 sales booster?



Find out if the rumors about Robin are true. Queersupe has compiled an A-Z list of gay comic book characters.


The Guardian UK imitates the impotent ire of indie British booksellers, b*tches about How Waterstone's Killed Bookselling.


Sometimes the best way to introduce a link is to just quote the linked-to article's title: J.J. Abrams Finishes Reading Dark Tower, Decides Not To Adapt It. Ouch.


THB and Heavy Liquid creator Paul Pope just won the 'Silver Dildo' for Sexiest Art at the first annual Fleshbot Awards. You can peep some of Pope's work here.


Mr. Rogers was an inspiration to countless puppet-loving, trolley obsessed, postman-fetishizing kids. So why the hell are they defaming his memory with this stomach-churning statue?


I was born a few years too late to enjoy this particular cultural touchstone, but Maxim's 12 Superheroes Who Should Be On '70s Vans makes me wish I was around when the airbrush artist was king.

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I hear she has excellent negotiating skills. (Headline later sadly amended).

...but check out #26.

( Vegan hippie talk )

We're going to be posting some short stories here periodically, the first of which is Party Makers, a sort of dual promo for myself and Apex Books.

(!!Warning!! This is one of my humor/horror stories, but contains explicit sexual content, absolutely NOT suitable for children. But if you're over 18, click the link and enjoy.)

http://www.adriennejones.net/partymakersfinal.pdf


This story is published in the multi-author collection Gratia Placenti (translation: For the sake of pleasing) from Apex Books. (link to purchase below)

http://www.apexbookstore.com/collections/books/products/gratia-placenti-for-the-sake-of-pleasing-edited-by-jason-sizemore-and-gill-ainsworth

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Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Your comments mean a lot to me. LJ is like a lifeline sometimes, and it's the only place where I don't feel judged or patronised.

Anyway, I found an AA meeting that I'm going to go to next Wednesday. I can't explain why, but I don't want my partner knowing about it and Wednesday is the day he has late class and won't be home after I get off work. It'll just be testing the waters...

Well, thanks again.

Yes, of course I've been quiet about it - our lot would have had between zero and buckley's chance of winning in this yellow-dog Labour fortress even if our candidate were the Archangel Gabriel, no matter what the bar-chart waving pollyannas may say. Hard truth, but cold fact. Doubt if it'll be as low as eighth, as the Greens reckon, but that's the Greens for you, and this is Glasgow after all. This could be as bad as our previous low water mark at Hamilton, but as I say it's a no-hope seat. The result will be here, though, just as you've come to expect. So much for the midnight finish; very slow for such a poor (32%) turnout, and supposedly down to spoilt papers. What's worrying about this turnout is it may or may not mean that the BNP will either finish third or keep its deposit or both. The knuckle-dragging Orange vote there, marvellous. I notice Tommy's been very quiet this time around; it's not like Mr Sheridan to hide his light under a bushel. Perhaps our Tommy correspondent loveandgarbage could cast some light onto this?

By the way, who on earth at the BBC hired the hopeless Laura Kuenssberg (sp?) as a correspondent? My cat knows more about psephology than she does; you can't extrapolate the results of an ultra-safe seat like this on a national scale.

Closer to home, I see the question of dodgy communalist voting has reared its ugly head once more; and the same will happen again in Bradford West next time, trust me. It's always a tricky one to report; it's almost as if any time anyone opens their mouths about it, the parties concerned will invariably play the race card. The Conservative Association in question played a masterstroke last time, though, in choosing the otherwise useless Robertshaw to fight and win in Bowling and Barkerend, as a "look at us we're real actual conservatives, not communalist chancers, honest guv" move; and while I don't go along with the doomsaying from both Labour and the Tories re Bradford East (it's just a mixture of psy-ops and that they hate David and Jeanette), the presence of Riaz on the Tory ticket is going to put pussy well and truly among the pigeons.

Anyway... more to come, result will be here as soon as it's called.

1.50 AM - appears that the Tory has finished third ahead of the BNP, though whether the fash held their deposit is a moot point. Sounds unlikely that they have; fingers crossed.

1.52 AM - talk from the count of a Labour majority of 8,000. See comments re "yellow-dog Labour" above.

1.55 AM Here it is;

Charlie Baillie - British National Party 1,013

William Bain - Labour 12,231

Eileen Baxendale - Liberal Democrats 474

Mev Brown - Independent 32

Colin Campbell - The Individuals Labour and Tory (Tilt) 13

Ruth Davidson - Conservatives 1,075

David Doherty - Scottish Greens 332

Mikey Hughes - Independent 54

David Kerr - SNP 4,120

Louise McDaid - Socialist Labour Party 47

Kevin McVey - Scottish Socialist Party 152

Tommy Sheridan - Solidarity 794

John Smeaton - Independent Backed by the Jury Team 258

43 spoilt papers

LAB GAIN (from Speaker) - MAJ 8,111

Sixth place then, behind the BNP and Sheridan, albeit in a seat where, realistically, there was no point in running anything more than a paper candidate. But still, a very poor do. If Rennard was still running the show he'd spin this as a 2% increase since the General Election :) At least the fash did lose their deposit - just; if one fact can be drawn from this by-election result, it just proves that apathy only helps crazed extremists like the BNP. You can bet none of them failed to turn up at the polling stations yesterday, and they'll be there at the General, so staying at home and wishing a plague 'pon all their houses is not an option! But of course you don't need me to tell you that.